Add Poon to Dictionary?

My poor phone has some of the strangest custom phrases in its memory.

Confused

Ten years ago the Supreme Court criminalized gay sex.

Now they figured out married people should all get the same benefits. 

So now we see where our properties are.

Anyway, I woke up with my husband this morning. What happened? No fire, no brimstone, no rapture, no flaming sword.

Sheesh.

Jobs and Your Uterus

I checked mine.  No jobs in there.  My husband was nice enough to help check, just in case it was the angle or something.  Nope, no jobs in there.

Ladies, please check your uterus carefully for jobs.  As we elected people to improve the economy, and they seem to be REALLY interested in what is going on in our lady parts (more than the usual degree of interest in our lady parts even), I have to assume some of this country's women folk are hiding all the jobs up in there.

So check carefully ladies.

And if we don't have a cache of great vocational opportunities hanging around up there - Can we PLEASE do something else in government now?  Something?  Anything?

Unless there is a solution to the VA backup hiding in there.  Hey, I'm willing to do my part and let a few wounded warriors take a look around in there.  My husband won't object, he's a patriot like that.  Ok well he won't object if he gets to watch.  Or pictures, he would settle for those.

Pickin My Lesbian

I got to hear a bit of the losing side's complete mental meltdown at the DOMA and Prop 8 rulings today and have determined the following:

For some reason, other people getting married will do something awful to my marriage. I'm not clear on how, as the legions of crappy straight marriages haven't had any effect on mine. Nor did my parent s' good marriage prevent my first ending in divorce.  There was no gay marriage and still, I got divorced. Of course, that was before the 700 Club explained penises cause uncontrollable infidelity and its my job to ignore it.  Whoops. Anyway, it seems some people think their marriage counts for less if they don't get to exclude other people? I don't know, I can't follow hate-logic.

Anyway, apparently it will now be MANDATORY to be in a polygamous gay marriage with livestock?  I need to pick my lesbian.  I'd better hurry or the good ones will all be taken. 

If whether other people who aren't you can or cannot get married is what defines the success of your own marriage, your have failed. Spectacularly.

But not fabulously. That's only for gay marriage.

See? See how much it sucks not to be included. 

I LIKE COCK

Apparently this needs to be announced. At least, as far as I can tell from commercials and television.

See, a hundred times a day I hear commercials about restoring my old spark. (If I had more soak the world would burn.)  Not to mention all the sex hating housewives on tv. 

I'm not one. Love the cock..just saying.

Any Hope for the Human Race?

When I see a "top" attorney make a knock knock joke in an opening statement in a murder trial, I think the end is near.  I need to get myself a sandwich board and start screaming at people in traffic.  Not sure where I am going to squeeze that into my schedule though.  Maybe if I tie weights to the bottom of it I can make it my Friday weight training session.

Talk about douchechills. 

I just found out that Disney is going to transition the new Magicbands to allow you to plan your trip in advance to the point of making Fastpass reservations before you leave the house.  Oh boy.  My poor beloved, he thought I was bad BEFORE. 

Muahahaha. 

Dear HBO...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Father's Day and Hippie Chow of Awesomeness

Father's Day meant breakfast and a trip to a farmer's market.  My little one got to feed the goat and see the pigs and chickens.  We picked up some herbs and organic veggies of awesomeness.  For lunch we are making a nice flatbread (i heart the pizza stone) and then baking fresh baked bread with the munchkin.  For dinner I am sauteing fish in an herb butter, and pan roasting asparagus with olive oil, sorrel, dill, lemon zest. 

Its a good day.

How to Make Me Laugh At You

Step 1: Read enough of my profile to ascertain im contact, totally ignore the rest. 

Step 2: Troll me for female supremacy. Because clearly when I say owned by a man, in a lifelong commitment what I REALLY mean is "I can't wait to fly cross country and fulfill whatever threesome fantasy you have, total internet stranger, and I'm just gonna fall to my knees before your housefrau, let's ignore my husband and that women annoy me".  Duh.

Step 3: When steps 1 & 2 aren't well received, explain that you were a dom before the internet,15 whole years ago!!!!!  Because I find your lack of basic internet knowledge and perspective irresistible.  Ignore that headdesk thunking noise and peaks of laughter.

Step 4: Make reference to "friends" in the FBI and CIA and being able to find people on the internet. I have no doubt that on the priority list for FBI and CIA agents it goes terrorists, finding slaves that turned down guys on the internet and force them to lick his wife, ricin letters, international assassinations. Beware the 50 Shades of FBI Agents!!!!

Stop Right There

"Swimming by the waterfall isn't illegal, but..." 

It's unbelievably fucking stupid. Are we kidding? Seriously? Not news.  That's why you don't swim near waterfalls. Because they're fucking dangerous. If you don't know this, how did you get out without your caretaker holding your hand? 

I'm tired of "accepting" stupid in this country.  You know what happens when you're "tolerant" for too long? A country full of idiots swimming off waterfalls and worse, a country full of morons shocked things go awry awry you do that.

Of those representing the people of Oklahoma in D.C. voting against storm aid.  Hey fuckhats, blowing away on a semi regular basis is pretty much the only thing the rest of us know about your State. No storm aid. Way to protect your own people. Great job.

If you are in the fast check out lane in the grocery store, don't rearrange your purse blocking the only open cash register. 

Fuck people this stuff isn't hard. Pull your heads out of your sense of entitlement filled ass and stop screaming "'merica!" and watching reality television.