So I was having an interesting stroll down memory lane today. Specifically, youtube videos of the last Spooky Kids concert in 92. (One of those little bobbing heads out there in the dark was mine. Complete with catholic school girl outfit and leash.)
I was, once upon a time, a little groupie girl to Marilyn Manson and the Spooky Kids while they were still a local band. (I actually never really got into them after Brian got signed.) But I have some very fond memories of being 15 to 17 and going to live shows around town. One of my boyfriends was one of their roadies at one point. My best friend and I were groupies.
This was back in the days when I was most famous for uttering the words "Do you want me? Well get in the fucking car!" Hey - I got a ride to the concert, didn't I?
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
And You're Qualified Because.....?
I love getting bad advice from clearly unqualified people. Its like someone who's never been befind the wheel telling you how to drive.
If you have never managed a successful long term relationship, do not give out relationship advice. Seriously. Single people who feel they know what it takes to make it work. Ummmm you're alone. I'm not. I'm gonna pass on doing it your way, thanks. It might even make SOME sense if I expressed some dissatisfaction but I'm quite happy.
Anyone that starts a sentence with "If I was your Master I'd....". You'd have failed already. First of all, you have to be more intelligent than I or I'd eat you for lunch. Only .04% of the world population qualifies so good luck with that. There is also that pesky I'm allergic to velcro problem. In case the half a decade and family together isn't a hint - I'm not planning on going anywhere soon. Men who have never managed to actually keep a woman for any appreciable length of time telling me they know the RIGHT way to master me just cracks me up. Yeah Skippy, sure ya do. You also know how to run a Fortune 500 company, despite your McJob?
If you have never managed a successful long term relationship, do not give out relationship advice. Seriously. Single people who feel they know what it takes to make it work. Ummmm you're alone. I'm not. I'm gonna pass on doing it your way, thanks. It might even make SOME sense if I expressed some dissatisfaction but I'm quite happy.
Anyone that starts a sentence with "If I was your Master I'd....". You'd have failed already. First of all, you have to be more intelligent than I or I'd eat you for lunch. Only .04% of the world population qualifies so good luck with that. There is also that pesky I'm allergic to velcro problem. In case the half a decade and family together isn't a hint - I'm not planning on going anywhere soon. Men who have never managed to actually keep a woman for any appreciable length of time telling me they know the RIGHT way to master me just cracks me up. Yeah Skippy, sure ya do. You also know how to run a Fortune 500 company, despite your McJob?
Monday, December 28, 2009
Wish You Were Here
I'm not much of one for New Year's resolutions. I see no point in promising to do things I should be doing anyway just because some arbitrary day came up on the calendar. I make major changes in my life, just not usually on New Year's. Usually its as a result of getting fed up with being weak and continuing to harm myself in some way. So I won't be promising to quit smoking (did that 3 years ago or so) or lose weight (doing that already - 60 pounds in 4 months so far) or be a nice person (fuck that!).
Instead I fall victim to sentimentality this time of year. I miss those that mattered to me that I have lost. I have been lucky this year. I reconnected with my best friend. I hadn't seen her or talked to her in more years than I care to think about, and now I talk to her daily. She is even moving home in a few months. so I will have my clubbing/gym/shopping/mom stuff partner in crime back. Gone are the days of wondering and worrying about her, standing in a shower crying. I actually sent her an email not too long ago of an old post of mine from my old online journal about how much I missed her. The first time we talked in almost a decade and we were instantly reconnected as if not a day had passed. In some ways we had both massively changed. In some we were still traveling parallel paths. So that hole in my life is filled.
There are two that never will be though. My Michaels. Their chapters are finished forever. I still miss them both enough for it to bring me to tears sometimes. It tends to get worse this time of year. I somehow still haven't managed to stop waiting for a call from my Chinacat Sunflower telling me to come out and dance in the rain because it never rains this time of year so I can tell him it must because it is but I will dance with him anyway. There are so many things I would give to dance in the rain with him one more time. Or to be awoken by a screaming Arcrail at 3:00 a.m. pounding on my door because I am the only one who can save him. I wish I could. I wish I had.
There are some people who, when they leave your life, leave it a bit darker than it was before. They each took a part of my light with them. I know I have been lucky enough to have a life relatively free of tragedy. Especially when I look to some of the things that have happened to my best friend. But my flame will always be a bit dampened by their loss.
Instead I fall victim to sentimentality this time of year. I miss those that mattered to me that I have lost. I have been lucky this year. I reconnected with my best friend. I hadn't seen her or talked to her in more years than I care to think about, and now I talk to her daily. She is even moving home in a few months. so I will have my clubbing/gym/shopping/mom stuff partner in crime back. Gone are the days of wondering and worrying about her, standing in a shower crying. I actually sent her an email not too long ago of an old post of mine from my old online journal about how much I missed her. The first time we talked in almost a decade and we were instantly reconnected as if not a day had passed. In some ways we had both massively changed. In some we were still traveling parallel paths. So that hole in my life is filled.
There are two that never will be though. My Michaels. Their chapters are finished forever. I still miss them both enough for it to bring me to tears sometimes. It tends to get worse this time of year. I somehow still haven't managed to stop waiting for a call from my Chinacat Sunflower telling me to come out and dance in the rain because it never rains this time of year so I can tell him it must because it is but I will dance with him anyway. There are so many things I would give to dance in the rain with him one more time. Or to be awoken by a screaming Arcrail at 3:00 a.m. pounding on my door because I am the only one who can save him. I wish I could. I wish I had.
There are some people who, when they leave your life, leave it a bit darker than it was before. They each took a part of my light with them. I know I have been lucky enough to have a life relatively free of tragedy. Especially when I look to some of the things that have happened to my best friend. But my flame will always be a bit dampened by their loss.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Randy Newman Was Right About Something?
I can't help but believe its better to be an Amazon than an Elf. Part of this belief comes from my childhood friend, Arcail.
Actually, that isn't correct. An elf would be proportionate and attractive, even at a few inches tall.
My lover finds short women attractive. I SO don't. I am talking about so called normal sized adult short people here. Chicks with stubby arms, sausage fingers, and cankles. I mean, there is a reason you don't see any 5'2" super models, ya know? And don't even get me started on the extraordinary ego problems you run into with some shorter men when you are an amazonian female.
Perhaps its a matter of what you were raised to believe is attractive. Everyone in my family is tall. My lover's mom is short. So to him... not creepy.
In the circle of my friends in my youth, short did not qualify for the beautiful people standard. They were more like... pets. My best friend and I are definitely Amazonian by nature. And we certainly used that to our advantage. She is a red head with blue eyes and I am a from the raven's wing blue black bottle brunette (my natural color being horrifyingly dull) with grey eyes. Both very tall and pale and, lets just say extremely noticable. I remember my friend Arcail remarking once about this 5'2" mousy brown haired brown eyed girl that used to hang around us "Does she hang her tits out of her shirt like that in the hopes that perhaps she would be noticed in a room with you two? Its like watching a candle try desperately to compete with the sun." To Arcail, being under 5'7" was a cardinal sin. Leaving your natural hair color when it was something boring was also on the seven deadly sins list, but being short was far worse.
Actually, that isn't correct. An elf would be proportionate and attractive, even at a few inches tall.
My lover finds short women attractive. I SO don't. I am talking about so called normal sized adult short people here. Chicks with stubby arms, sausage fingers, and cankles. I mean, there is a reason you don't see any 5'2" super models, ya know? And don't even get me started on the extraordinary ego problems you run into with some shorter men when you are an amazonian female.
Perhaps its a matter of what you were raised to believe is attractive. Everyone in my family is tall. My lover's mom is short. So to him... not creepy.
In the circle of my friends in my youth, short did not qualify for the beautiful people standard. They were more like... pets. My best friend and I are definitely Amazonian by nature. And we certainly used that to our advantage. She is a red head with blue eyes and I am a from the raven's wing blue black bottle brunette (my natural color being horrifyingly dull) with grey eyes. Both very tall and pale and, lets just say extremely noticable. I remember my friend Arcail remarking once about this 5'2" mousy brown haired brown eyed girl that used to hang around us "Does she hang her tits out of her shirt like that in the hopes that perhaps she would be noticed in a room with you two? Its like watching a candle try desperately to compete with the sun." To Arcail, being under 5'7" was a cardinal sin. Leaving your natural hair color when it was something boring was also on the seven deadly sins list, but being short was far worse.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Holidaze
Its that time of year again. To watch zombie flicks while wrapping the kids' presents. Admittedly, a new tradition. They really are far less frightening than the toy assembly.
Technically, I guess I am celebrating Christmas. We are atheists so we don't really push the mythic bits of the holiday season. But I am a big fan of an excuse to spoil my kids. Which I do. As much as possible.
Tomorrow we face the family gauntlet. Kids screaming. My daughter's newly gained walking skill being shown off. (I am loving the excuse for buying one of those fluffy little girl dresses this year.)
But tonight, its zombie movies, wine and slutty Santa lingerie. The quiet before the storm.
Technically, I guess I am celebrating Christmas. We are atheists so we don't really push the mythic bits of the holiday season. But I am a big fan of an excuse to spoil my kids. Which I do. As much as possible.
Tomorrow we face the family gauntlet. Kids screaming. My daughter's newly gained walking skill being shown off. (I am loving the excuse for buying one of those fluffy little girl dresses this year.)
But tonight, its zombie movies, wine and slutty Santa lingerie. The quiet before the storm.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
The End of the Year All Tied Up
Someone suggested writing down 5 things you're grateful for as a end of year reflection.
1. My kids. I have wonderful kids. I can't imagine having a fulfilling life without them.
2. Da Man! Rather than damn the man, I love him to bits. But I can't imagine a better one for me than the one I'm with.
3. My family of friends. This year I've gotten back in touch with some of the best people I have ever been privileged to know and I know how lucky I am to have found them. First string players make it clear how inferior the second string really is.
4. My family. I'm lucky. They're cool.
5. The strength to conquer. My phobia. My weight. Though playing spokesgirl is getting a bit grueling. I'm not used to inspiring others. Odd.
1. My kids. I have wonderful kids. I can't imagine having a fulfilling life without them.
2. Da Man! Rather than damn the man, I love him to bits. But I can't imagine a better one for me than the one I'm with.
3. My family of friends. This year I've gotten back in touch with some of the best people I have ever been privileged to know and I know how lucky I am to have found them. First string players make it clear how inferior the second string really is.
4. My family. I'm lucky. They're cool.
5. The strength to conquer. My phobia. My weight. Though playing spokesgirl is getting a bit grueling. I'm not used to inspiring others. Odd.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Jingle My Bells
Its that time of year again. Glittery things. And Santa lingerie. Losing 60 pounds means I can once again rock the Santa Slut Lingerie. I actually own this outfit.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Once Upon A Time...
Here we go, starting over again. See, I have had a few blogs and web diary type things over the years. I tend to get bored and wander off. Or stop using my real name as my screen name, like in this case. (In retrospect, not quite sure what possessed me to do that.)
When I first had this particular screen name, I was a Domme. I was also married, and in my 20s, frigid, blonde, a smoker, a food addict and a number of things I no longer am. People evolve. Hopefully. I certainly have. But I still think the name is pretty (despite often being mistaken as male online thanks to that guy from American Idol).
My first few steps into alternative sexuality were taken in my teen years...bisexuality, bondage, multiple partners. I had a rather lengthy, incredibly vanilla (at least on my part) marriage. Around the end of that was the beginning of my journey on a more submissive path.
I have been with a Gorean man for about 5 years or so now. I have actually known him almost 20 years. I spent a number of years training as a kajira. However, my experiences were not the common ones most people expect from those that wear the self-affixed label of Gorean. I was never really part of the "online" Gorean scene. Frankly, for the most part, I believe those people are completely nuts. My experience with other Goreans has been less than impressive.
Another problem I often found myself facing with a total inability to think of someone that was clearly considerably less intelligent than myself as "Master". This is not an issue within my own home, but the act of logging in to any given website was enough to make my eye start to twitch. The Gor books were written by a college professor and based upon concepts put forward by Aristotle. Most of the population is ill equiped to understand the concepts. The apparently socially inferior online Gorean population even less so, as many that choose that particular lifestyle are attracted by an ability to seize or abdicate personal power through nothing more than gender. Lacking an ability to look beyond that simple and obvious foundation, they flounder around on the surface playing make believe.
This led me to a complete disinterest in associating with these people. Further, I began to specificly want to be sure I was not associated with them by others. Its not that I was particularly concerned with my "online repulation". I am not particularly concerned with public perception in person. I take online interaction even less seriously. However, I eventually grew tired of having to defend myself on a constant basis. I am not delusion, I do not have Daddy issues, I am rational, I am not like "other Goreans". After saying enough times "I'm not like other Goreans" it dawned on me... I lack commonalities with these people because I am not like them. I am not one of them. Nor did I want to be.
So I don't wear a label anymore. I am just... me.
Be afraid, be very afraid.
When I first had this particular screen name, I was a Domme. I was also married, and in my 20s, frigid, blonde, a smoker, a food addict and a number of things I no longer am. People evolve. Hopefully. I certainly have. But I still think the name is pretty (despite often being mistaken as male online thanks to that guy from American Idol).
My first few steps into alternative sexuality were taken in my teen years...bisexuality, bondage, multiple partners. I had a rather lengthy, incredibly vanilla (at least on my part) marriage. Around the end of that was the beginning of my journey on a more submissive path.
I have been with a Gorean man for about 5 years or so now. I have actually known him almost 20 years. I spent a number of years training as a kajira. However, my experiences were not the common ones most people expect from those that wear the self-affixed label of Gorean. I was never really part of the "online" Gorean scene. Frankly, for the most part, I believe those people are completely nuts. My experience with other Goreans has been less than impressive.
Another problem I often found myself facing with a total inability to think of someone that was clearly considerably less intelligent than myself as "Master". This is not an issue within my own home, but the act of logging in to any given website was enough to make my eye start to twitch. The Gor books were written by a college professor and based upon concepts put forward by Aristotle. Most of the population is ill equiped to understand the concepts. The apparently socially inferior online Gorean population even less so, as many that choose that particular lifestyle are attracted by an ability to seize or abdicate personal power through nothing more than gender. Lacking an ability to look beyond that simple and obvious foundation, they flounder around on the surface playing make believe.
This led me to a complete disinterest in associating with these people. Further, I began to specificly want to be sure I was not associated with them by others. Its not that I was particularly concerned with my "online repulation". I am not particularly concerned with public perception in person. I take online interaction even less seriously. However, I eventually grew tired of having to defend myself on a constant basis. I am not delusion, I do not have Daddy issues, I am rational, I am not like "other Goreans". After saying enough times "I'm not like other Goreans" it dawned on me... I lack commonalities with these people because I am not like them. I am not one of them. Nor did I want to be.
So I don't wear a label anymore. I am just... me.
Be afraid, be very afraid.
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