Boyfriend Chameleons

The League nailed it. Some people have no independent personality, and glom their entire personality from whoever they're around. The vanilla pudding of human beings.  Soft and bland.

I have no idea why I watch this. I know less than nothing about football.

Oooh That Smell

This is an office. So what the fuck smells like someone lit a monkey's ass hair on fire in the waiting room. Seriously I want to know.  Is there a body hidden under the copier?  What the fuck is that Smell?  I've been here 20 minutes and it hasn't gone away yet. It's going to be in my clothes. I might have to buy cigarettes on my way home, just to cover the corpse stench.

Fuck Pat Robertson, Part 4,354,876

Now Pay Robertson made some incoherent accusation that people are wearing some sort is Emporer Ming AIDS rings that have razors and give you AIDS if you shake hands?

When my Grandfather started talking like that we got him a special nurse. We didn't put him on TV for everyone to laugh about. Sheesh, I hate that guy and even I think it's time to stop broadcasting his pathetic slide into Alzheimer's. Dementia is sad.

Ok, I'm pretty flexible...

Nicaraguan Crab Sandwich?  How?  Don't get me wrong, I'd try. But I don't see how it's possible without ending up in traction. And I do yoga. 

My day has odd moments.

Tell Them About The Dream...

I've heard Dr. King's speech dozens of times in my life. It makes me cry every time. I can't think of any current speakers that have that effect.

Gay rights needs someone that dynamic and unifying.

ConStar by Rocky Mountain Mike

ConStar by Rocky Mountain Mike

Watch "Quadruple Take Masterclass" on YouTube

Falling Apart

I think my warranty ran out.  Chances are I just need a refit and new shoes.  What it feels like is I would be better off cutting off my legs at the knee.  This will be my life until Spring, where I alter what I can wear for my entire day for what I do for 30 to 60 minutes at the end of it.  Random limping, ice packs, spasms. I don't like to define myself by a singular aspect of my personality or hobby. I'm not "nothing but a..." by any means. But this hobby defines me from summer to spring, like it or not. It changes what I wear, what I eat, my schedule.

Da Rules, Cause My Pussy Is A Drama Free Zone

Why do people always push for the one thing you're not offering?  I don't lie to or cheat on my husband. I don't need to. If I fuck you, he'll know. He'll probably watch, participate, take pictures, cheer. But at the very minimum, he'll know.

So thanks for offering discretion. I'll pass.  I don't need to meet your family and co-workers. I don't do outside relationships.  Fuck, cum, go away.  But when someone goes all discretion crazy, I feel the angry wife bullseye on my back and that's some shit I avoid like the plague.

Scientists announced the discovery of a new species today.  Don't worry Goreans, I'm sure your subspecies will be discovered any day now.

Dear Representative King:

I don't have access to 75 pounds of pot.  Can I get cantaloupe legs by hauling something else through the desert, or does it have to be marijuana?  I ask because I have a couple of marathons coming up and cantaloupe calves would really come in handy. Also, I'm not Mexican, or even Hispanic. Is that going to be a problem?  Can only people of Mexican descent get that cantaloupe thing? 

Actually, Representative King may not be able to understand this question. After all, he asked a woman if she understands English mid-conversation.  Since a wet sack of hammers should have ascertained by that point in the conversation that she was fluent, Representative King is clearly less intelligent than a wet sack of hammers.

Maybe I should hose down some hammers and ask. 

What's frightening is not that King is the kind of douche bag that will inevitably squirt something racist if you squeeze it. There are lots of those. Pick a Wal-Mart. Any Wal-Mart. You'll find one. What's frightening is that the ignorant douche population of our country is large enough to necessitate a representative of their own. Someone with the kind of empty piggy bank of a head that they don't know the body dimensions is Popeye are inaccurate.

Mental Notes

1.  I should have watched The West Wing when it was originally on.

2.  Netflix and Amazon Prime are slowly making our satellite obsolete.

3.  BBC America will make me keep my satellite anyway because, as much as I adore Matt Smith, when he first replaced David Tennant I didn't think I could take to such a young Doctor, so I am now more open minded about the whole regeneration thing.  Because Matt Smith is cool now.

4.  The little bit of garlic I added to the asparagus and shallot saute for the last rissoto really enhanced the flavor.  Duh!  Kind of obvious as flavor profiles go.

5.  True Blood sucks we are watched a reality television game show instead.  That is a serious level of suck.

6. Fuck Pat Robertson.  No, he hasn't done anything lately.  There hasn't been a tragedy he can exploit recently.  But sometimes it just needs to be said.  Fuck Pat Robertson.

7.  I love anal.

Ariel Castro... what a bag of shit. And he should be treated accordingly. Set on fire until someone stomps him out.

Your Husband Might Be A Weiner Too

Ok maybe not dumb enough to keep doing the same thing after getting booted from congress, but the sexting thing? That's pretty common.

I have a horrible revelation. Dudes like sex. Thinking about it, looking at it, talking about it to receptive chicks. If I had a dollar for every out of nowhere mid conversation cock pic I received, I could run for NY mayor. Mostly married guys btw.  Fascinated that I don't think blow jobs are reserved for birthdays. You don't see me calling a fucking press conference about it. Sheesh.

The full court press freak out is really a bit much.

Yeah, he wasn't thinking of the women in a particularly romantic or respectful manner. He was jerking off, online nonetheless.  Remember the old 976 sex lines? Same thing, but cheaper. Cheaper and safer than unprotected sex with hookers which one might see as more responsible than the actions of certain critical candidates, for instance. 

Though I can see where the choice of Carlos Danger might make one hesitant to vote for him. But pounding one out online? Seriously?

Hey, You...

The asshole who figures they're too important to move over or let others over and get out of the ambulances way.  I hope someone stabs you in the neck with a fork. My dream is that when you arrive at whatever destination you feel is so important that people behind you in traffic can go ahead and die, and you lumber out of your pickup, some cracked stabs you in the neck with a hepatitis covered fork. 

And when your family gets to the hospital, just too late, they learn you died because the ambulance couldn't get by some self centered fuck cheese in a pick up.

And if that happens, I'm gonna buy that cracked a sandwich.  And a cookie.

WTF Cleveland?

Dear Cleveland:

Hi, we Floridians would like to say thanks.  Thank you for making Floriduh seem a bit less whacky.  Sure, we have the occasional face eating zombie on the highway, but the primary nature of male/female relations in our State still seems to be consensual.  Maybe its just because you can't dig down deep enough to have a basement down here, but we seem to have a few less newsworthy kidnapping rape murders lately. 

Verdict Watch

I love verdict watch. When the need folk have to scramble for shot to say while babysitting a monitor.  This is when people say truly stupid shi

News Worthless

I'm only partially paying attention to the news. As far as I can tell, Jimmy Dean  and some football player killed Nelson Mandela and some broad in Texas got mad and yelled about it for 10 hours. 

Frogs Stalk Me

 A frog, I'm assuming the same frog as he looked like the same frog, was back in my bedroom. 

I can only assume he liked being peed on. 

Kinky frog. 

I hate this State.

Radical Shift... Again

This time it's too vegetarianism. Not for moral reasons. Not even strictly vegetarian. But away from meat as the primary focus of a meal. We're having so much more fun with other ingredients and our cholesterol has certainly enjoyed the switch.

Add Poon to Dictionary?

My poor phone has some of the strangest custom phrases in its memory.

Confused

Ten years ago the Supreme Court criminalized gay sex.

Now they figured out married people should all get the same benefits. 

So now we see where our properties are.

Anyway, I woke up with my husband this morning. What happened? No fire, no brimstone, no rapture, no flaming sword.

Sheesh.

Jobs and Your Uterus

I checked mine.  No jobs in there.  My husband was nice enough to help check, just in case it was the angle or something.  Nope, no jobs in there.

Ladies, please check your uterus carefully for jobs.  As we elected people to improve the economy, and they seem to be REALLY interested in what is going on in our lady parts (more than the usual degree of interest in our lady parts even), I have to assume some of this country's women folk are hiding all the jobs up in there.

So check carefully ladies.

And if we don't have a cache of great vocational opportunities hanging around up there - Can we PLEASE do something else in government now?  Something?  Anything?

Unless there is a solution to the VA backup hiding in there.  Hey, I'm willing to do my part and let a few wounded warriors take a look around in there.  My husband won't object, he's a patriot like that.  Ok well he won't object if he gets to watch.  Or pictures, he would settle for those.

Pickin My Lesbian

I got to hear a bit of the losing side's complete mental meltdown at the DOMA and Prop 8 rulings today and have determined the following:

For some reason, other people getting married will do something awful to my marriage. I'm not clear on how, as the legions of crappy straight marriages haven't had any effect on mine. Nor did my parent s' good marriage prevent my first ending in divorce.  There was no gay marriage and still, I got divorced. Of course, that was before the 700 Club explained penises cause uncontrollable infidelity and its my job to ignore it.  Whoops. Anyway, it seems some people think their marriage counts for less if they don't get to exclude other people? I don't know, I can't follow hate-logic.

Anyway, apparently it will now be MANDATORY to be in a polygamous gay marriage with livestock?  I need to pick my lesbian.  I'd better hurry or the good ones will all be taken. 

If whether other people who aren't you can or cannot get married is what defines the success of your own marriage, your have failed. Spectacularly.

But not fabulously. That's only for gay marriage.

See? See how much it sucks not to be included. 

I LIKE COCK

Apparently this needs to be announced. At least, as far as I can tell from commercials and television.

See, a hundred times a day I hear commercials about restoring my old spark. (If I had more soak the world would burn.)  Not to mention all the sex hating housewives on tv. 

I'm not one. Love the cock..just saying.

Any Hope for the Human Race?

When I see a "top" attorney make a knock knock joke in an opening statement in a murder trial, I think the end is near.  I need to get myself a sandwich board and start screaming at people in traffic.  Not sure where I am going to squeeze that into my schedule though.  Maybe if I tie weights to the bottom of it I can make it my Friday weight training session.

Talk about douchechills. 

I just found out that Disney is going to transition the new Magicbands to allow you to plan your trip in advance to the point of making Fastpass reservations before you leave the house.  Oh boy.  My poor beloved, he thought I was bad BEFORE. 

Muahahaha. 

Dear HBO...

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Father's Day and Hippie Chow of Awesomeness

Father's Day meant breakfast and a trip to a farmer's market.  My little one got to feed the goat and see the pigs and chickens.  We picked up some herbs and organic veggies of awesomeness.  For lunch we are making a nice flatbread (i heart the pizza stone) and then baking fresh baked bread with the munchkin.  For dinner I am sauteing fish in an herb butter, and pan roasting asparagus with olive oil, sorrel, dill, lemon zest. 

Its a good day.

How to Make Me Laugh At You

Step 1: Read enough of my profile to ascertain im contact, totally ignore the rest. 

Step 2: Troll me for female supremacy. Because clearly when I say owned by a man, in a lifelong commitment what I REALLY mean is "I can't wait to fly cross country and fulfill whatever threesome fantasy you have, total internet stranger, and I'm just gonna fall to my knees before your housefrau, let's ignore my husband and that women annoy me".  Duh.

Step 3: When steps 1 & 2 aren't well received, explain that you were a dom before the internet,15 whole years ago!!!!!  Because I find your lack of basic internet knowledge and perspective irresistible.  Ignore that headdesk thunking noise and peaks of laughter.

Step 4: Make reference to "friends" in the FBI and CIA and being able to find people on the internet. I have no doubt that on the priority list for FBI and CIA agents it goes terrorists, finding slaves that turned down guys on the internet and force them to lick his wife, ricin letters, international assassinations. Beware the 50 Shades of FBI Agents!!!!

Stop Right There

"Swimming by the waterfall isn't illegal, but..." 

It's unbelievably fucking stupid. Are we kidding? Seriously? Not news.  That's why you don't swim near waterfalls. Because they're fucking dangerous. If you don't know this, how did you get out without your caretaker holding your hand? 

I'm tired of "accepting" stupid in this country.  You know what happens when you're "tolerant" for too long? A country full of idiots swimming off waterfalls and worse, a country full of morons shocked things go awry awry you do that.

Of those representing the people of Oklahoma in D.C. voting against storm aid.  Hey fuckhats, blowing away on a semi regular basis is pretty much the only thing the rest of us know about your State. No storm aid. Way to protect your own people. Great job.

If you are in the fast check out lane in the grocery store, don't rearrange your purse blocking the only open cash register. 

Fuck people this stuff isn't hard. Pull your heads out of your sense of entitlement filled ass and stop screaming "'merica!" and watching reality television. 

We're Cookin Now

When I was in my 20s, most of my meals were primarily pre made ingredients and takeout. I was laughing as I looked in my cart at the store this morning because I was being lazy getting sliced ingredients for a slow cooker casserole.

On a side note, preschoolers saying homemade fresh creme brulee is their favorite food is hilarious.

Amy's Batshit Crazy and the Definition of Internet No-How

Since you're reading this on the series of tubes, I assume by now you have heard of the latest www.holy fucking schadenfreude.com.org.net, Amy's Baking Company.  The perfect storm of massively delusional ego and internet no-how.  No-How, the opposite of know how.

Amy's Baking Company has it all.  Confusing bad Yelp reviews, and it seems anything even slightly critical, and cyberbullying.  Asking cameras in, then assaulting someone on camera.  Full on blow out tantrum freak out on multiple platforms, followed by a hilarious claim of being "hacked".  Thinking "hacked" is an effective red herring.  (Must have been the same hackers that took over Anthony Weiner's twitter that time.)  Gangster wanna be old man faux tough guy.  Botox bunny blonde lying very badly about her age.  Human children in cat bodies.  Crazy botox bunny blondes that speak cat!  And poison someone's food if it comes back to the kitchen to try to hurt them.  People awful enough to make Gordon Ramsey AND a PR person that once represented a restaurant called "Pink Taco" have to disembark from the crazy train.

If you haven't seen this train wreck by now, google is your friend.  So is youtube.  Its almost too beautiful to behold.

Guaranteed this steaming bag of crazy will not be able to cool off and STFU, confidentiality contract clause or not.  That kind of crazy cannot be contained.  Sure one press conference may be cancelled but wait for it... the batshit will flow.

I will admit to a small amount of personal disappointment that my favorite argument raised by all delusional stupid people that have somehow made an ass out of themselves on the internet has not yet been raised.  I say yet because they ALWAYS go there.  The outright insistence that there being repercussions for one's words online (such as people pointing out you're an asshat) is a violation of their First Amendment Rights!  It will come though.  It always does.  These people always think they have a right to be an asshole without any repercussions whatsoever.  It's the third leg in the dumbass with a sense of entitlement triangle.

I Peed on a frog

Nope, not a kinky thing.

I live in a subtropical area. So sometimes some fucked up mother nature related things occur.  Like finding a live frog in your toilet when you go to flush.  Fortunately I don't really fear them, so I only ended up calling my husband in for help because I'm not great at catching them. And it's funny to ask for help removing the frog you apparently just peed on.  He was rather pale so I'm guessing he came up the sewer line. I'm trying not to think to hard on the implications of that possibility.

I'm also happy it didn't happen to my best friend because she would be in therapy for months. She hates frogs.

I'd just like to say...

Fuck OJ. And Jodi Arias.

Wait... WHAT?

There are days I turn on the news and have to double check that I didn't accidently turn on some Sorkin rerun.

That psycho in Ohio that kidnapped a few chicks.  First of all, the guy that kicked the door in is the most awesome person I have seen on the news in years.  I LOVE this guy.  I hate what was done to these women, but they ARE alive.  Considering how very rare that ending is, all in all, its a positive story.  I expect the BDSM backlash to hit the news any day now, though.  Wonder why I am not more "out" about my personal preferences?  There are more people like this maggot than you might think crawling around in that "lifestyle" and, frankly, the "social" aspect of it isn't worth associating with them.  Socially retarded losers that can't get a woman, lose their shit, go to far, evil happens.  That's not my lifestyle. 

WTF Arizona?

From what I can tell from the defense in the Arias case, if a dude uses you as a booty call, it's cool to butcher him. He said he was a virgin and then he stuck it in her ass? Why is it ok to stab, almost decapitate and shoot a guy for that?

Thanks. Thanks for being what assholes point to.

Nazis Revisited

So I'm a white chick. Like just shy of glowing in the dark white. I don't know what the fuck would make someone assume that general lack of melatonin means I'm down with racists and have an overwhelming desire to be hit on by Nazis.

Nazis -  I'm not a fan. I try to avoid banging racists if possible. Mostly because I avoid haning out with them.

So I've had a limited number of bang a Nazi opportunities in life. And I actually didn't want MORE Nazis.

So what's up with the white power asshat parade I'm my email? Did someone sign me up for Hitler speed dating out something?

Oh and I can't date you for the purpose of breeding for more reasons than I can count.

You're Not Helping Part 3

Recipe for stupid.

Make a country music song about racism in which you complain about how hard it is to run around in a Confederate flag and not have people look at you like you're an asshole. 

Mostly people are doing that because you're an asshole. 

Flags mean something, idiot.  They're symbols.  People rally around them.  People freak out when you burn them.  They do these things because the entire fucking point of a flag is it is a symbol for something. 

You run around wearing a symbol of something, chances are people are going to assume you support that thing.  Its this wacky thing people do.  You're not a victim, you're an idiot.  You're wearing a symbol and you're too stupid to even realize there are repercussions for that. 

And don't give me that "Its a band shirt" shit.  You have chosen to drape yourself in the symbol of a band that chose to include a symbol of hate.  Still wearing a Confederate Flag, asshat.  Not better. 

If you ran around in a cross, people will assume you're a Christian.  If you run around with a swastika, people are going to assume you're a Nazi.  And an asshole.

And if you run around in a Confederate flag, they're going to assume you're a racist redneck asshat.  And they would be correct.  You're so drowning in your sense of privilege you are oblivious to the fact that you do not have a "right" not to be looked at like an asshole when you're being an asshole.  You might assume they are looking at you as a "racist" and you don't think its fair because you didn't mean to be. Or even more ridiculously that you are being blamed for the mistakes of other people in the past.  No, if someone looks at you in your Confederate Flag shirt like you're an asshole, its not because they think you are an immortal slave owner or personally responsible for the atrocities committed by others in the past.  See, the thing is, they're looking at you like your an asshole because right now, in this very moment, you have chosen to drape yourself in the symbol of a horrible horrible thing like its a cutsie fucking fashion statement.  You're not an "accidental racist".  You are quite intentionally an asshole.  Right now, in that moment, standing there in your hate flag shirt.

And you will be treated accordingly.  You will be looked at accordingly.  You will be judged, not for the mistakes of total strangers in a time past, but for your own astounding douchebaggery assholeness right this minute.

Its a thing people do.  Treat people draped in flags that symbolize hate like they're assholes.

And then there is the equation of fashion accessories with a symbol of hate thing.  No, a "do rag" isn't the same as a Confederate Flag.  People didn't rally round the do rag while enslaving, beating and selling people's families.  A do rag is kind of like a scrunchie.  Because ITS A FUCKING HAIR ACCESSORY.  If you are intimidated by a hair accessory, you're an ignorant fuckat.  You are also a total fucking pussy. 

Lookout, I think that guy has a banana clip.

Gold chains are not the same as slave chains.  Equating a fashion accessory and the means of bondage for an entire group for a really long time is just reinforcing the whole asshole image.  

You're Not Helping Part 2

I realize most people think runners are crazy.  When I tell people I signed up for a ten mile or half marathon (13.1) run, they look at me like I just grew antenna and called home the mother ship.  Before my first one, several people even told me I couldn't do it. 

Yeah, some people I know aren't great at being supportive.  I did do it by the way.

But you would think that people in the business of selling things to runners wouldn't hold the same "These people are all just batshit nuts and will go for anything."  So marketing the idea of a marathon by encouraging you to be more like Pheidippides.  Didn't you read all the way to the END of that story?  Where the naked guy collapses and DIES?

You really aren't helping make the sale guys. 

You're Not Helping

Domestic violence is a serious issue.  Which is why its awful to have someone out there portraying themselves as an expert on the subject when that person is an unprofessional asshat.

The trial that never ends, because Mariposa County, Arizona seems to think "clusterfuck of attention whores" makes for a good legal system.  Your Sheriff is an embarrassment, more interested in being interviewed than being effective.  And you're televising a trial where a Judge has no courtroom control.  I would say it reminds me of Romper Room, but Romper Room exhibited far more maturity than the Mariposa County legal system.

Right now it is day (way too fucking many, seriously Judge, a LITTLE control over the Courtroom) of this domestic violence "expert".

I don't care if you thought it was a "catchy title", you shallow twat, using Snow White to exemplify domestic violence issues instantly makes it a less serious subject.  Especially when put out there by someone who is portraying themselves as an expert.  You're an idiot.  You made things worse.  You're not helping anyone but yourself.

Thank you. Now when someone tries to address the issue, there's an easy counter of "Oh you can't take those 'experts' seriously, they use fairy tale princesses as an example, they're not serious people."

Not that I expect someone who thinks pretty much EVERYTHING is a form of abuse to understand what serious people hear when idiots yammer. I should say everything but what the murderer did because suddenly moving to your ex's town and sneaking through his bushes to spy on him on a date ISN'T stalking?  That its not stalking if the victim didn't call the cops?  That's going to haunt this shill (if anyone sees this and wants her testimony again) next time it's a victim she is being bought by.    Holy Fuck, your are an awful witness. You're not a great liar either, by the way.  Considering she tried to chide a prosecutor like a daycare teacher, this women is clearly not capable of behaving as a serious professional.  People shouldn't take her seriously.  But, sadly, they will.  She has been legitimized as an "expert" by the Ringling Bros. Court System. 

I'm waiting for her to put out her paper on how Mario is a victim of Donkey Kong.  Because CATCHWORD, right?

Moron.

I hope they give that murdering chick the death penalty, and I hope it takes this shallow twat moron of an "experts" career into the grave right along with it.  Before she does any more harm than she already has.

a/s/l?

I got an "a/s/l? Single?" today.  WTF?  That's still a thing? 

And not in a chat room where this might be unclear. This is someone who contacted me from my profile. The one listing all that info and very very clear on the ownedness of my ass.

I see your profile...

Ok so that means you chose to ignore the info posted and go for the cyberbang anyway.  (P.S. don't do that.)  Wholesale disregard for my owner and stupid questions, however can I resist? 

Someone please develop a virus scanner that recognizes that line of questioning and allows you to remotely deploy stinger missiles.

We Need a Montage

Back in training.  There are a few races coming up that I am really looking forward to.  My trainer found a great way to help strengthen my uphill muscles, despite the fact that I live in flat ass South Florida and detest the treadmill. 

I woke up this morning to find my husband churning butter.  Not a euphemism.  He was making his own butter for something he was baking later.

I am also off on a few new sexual ventures.  Trying new things, trying other things in new ways. Anyone know where I can sign up for a sex cult?

Life is good. 

Mental Notes

I know way more Phil Collins songs than I realized.

Lat pulldowns were created by Satan. 

Lat pulldowns can make an atheist believe in Satan.

Defenestration seems appropriate for people on BDSM sites who don't know the difference between dominant and dominate. People who constantly misuse your and you're or do, due and dew outnumber the rest of us. We're doomed. Eventually, after a few days of heavy use even my cunt gets sore.

Dear Guy...

In the bling covered t-shirt and the giant swap shop rhinestone covered watch talking to your friends so loudly that I can hear you from the parking lot despite someone being on the phone and trying to work 2 feet away and screaming "Ni hao" over and over in the face of the man behind the counter and laughing as you place your Chinese food order, I hope you enjoy your spit fried rice.

News Fapping

It's nice to hear HLN draw a non existent line between Jodi Arias and Casey Anthony with a dramatic music filled clip reel.  Klassy.  Screams journalism.

Holy Fuck Bucket of Crazy

So some school spree shooter kid behaved like a douche cake at his sentencing and the media crawls backwards over itself to clutch their pearls and gasp in shock. You know what one easy thing would drastically drop the number of these mass shootings?

Stop covering the murdering douche cakes on the news.  Stop giving pathetic attention starved losers a quick route to attention.

That's not going to happen though. Because when there's a mass shooting you can hear the collective splash of thousands of reporters cumming on their pants at once.  They're never quitting cold turkey.

So some douche who kills kids acts like a douche because he's a douche. Fuck that guy.

Notes from Reality

Dear Cyber Slave Girls:

There are a lot of things having long hair is but what it is NOT is sexually convenient.  Here's a reality check for ya'll.

Your hair will not pool gently anywhere. Ever. Let's say up you're kneeling naked with your legs spread. It does not tumble in waves. It sticks places. In your crotch, the crack of your ass, the fold of your knees so you yank it out when you move.

When you lower your head it won't fan out without assistance. It will get stuck in your Master/Mattresses' shoes.

If you're walking naked with your hips swaying hair long enough to brush gently over your ass, it won't do that. It will actually get stuck in the crack of your ass.

If you forget to put it up before you have sex changing positions will be as difficult as doing so inside a fishing net.

If you're sucking cock make sure you don't kneel on it or you will get the worst headache. 

And to every cyber slave girl who pulls her practical short cut into a rubber band before playing Godiva on mIRC, FUCK YOU posuers. :-P

Rape Is Caused By Rapists.

Rape is the fault of the rapist. 

It doesn't matter what someone said, wore, did... rape is the fault of the person doing the raping. 

Our society isn't big on personal responsibility anymore, and that is getting worse as time goes by.  So telling people "No, someone else with guns isn't what should keep you from raping someone.  The fact that it is wrong should keep you from raping someone.  Let's teach our kids that." sends people into a frothing rage.  Why?  People want the easy out that puts the personal responsibility on others. Teaching our kids means actually doing something.  Worse yet, it means teaching something we, as a society, rarely do any more.  Take complete personal responsibility for our own choices and actions.

We like to think we have evolved since the pre-feminist age in our attitudes towards women, and pat ourselves on the back for being so much better than Muslim cultures in our treatment of women, but most Americans can still be pretty easily convinced a rape victim did something wrong that made it ok.  Females wore the wrong thing, went the wrong place, had an attitude.  Rape is an acceptable part of a prison sentence. 

Rape is wrong.  Don't do it.  There are no exceptions.  Is it really THAT threatening to suggest we pass that on?

The Walking Dead

I got into the graphic novels pretty late in the game.  The great thing about that is it allows you to catch up by reading, say, 60 of them straight in a row.  (There is a lot more than that now.)  Pretty awesome. But then the show comes out and I have to wait and watch 1 at a time a week apart!

Curse you linear time!

The Walking Dead reminds me a bit of True Blood in some ways.  Nothing like the books after not too long, but I actually like what both are so I am ok with that. 

Unlike True Blood, I don't think there is a single bangable dude on Walking Dead.  Michonne is infinately do-able, but there isn't a piece of sausage on that show I want a slice of.

See... one more reason not to want to survive the zombie apocalypse.

That question goes round and round.  What would you do in a zombie apocalypse? I'm pretty sure I would die. 


 

Fetlife Kerfluffle

Sometime last year I posted about one of what seems to be a very long string of poor choices by the owner of a big kink website and how I would keep using the site and draining the resources for free cause... fuck that guy. 

Later last year I stopped using that site anyway because on further reflection, I don't really want to knowingly be grouped with pedobears and I wasn't getting anything positive from the website.

Apparently since I bounced that shit storm of stupid bad judgment by the owner turned into a hurricane of dumbass.

What have we learned kids?

Well, just because you have one good idea doesn't make you capable of running a business.  It means as your business grows the potential for losing it because your public face is a drunken frat boy type who's greatest efforts seem to be directed at playing nice with pedophiles, cause ya know "free speech". It's means at some point you need a good lawyer and a better PR person.  Neither of them should be members of your community.  Getting legal and PR advice from "friends" or anyone with a personal interest is beyond stupid.  Because you're running a business, not hosting a kegger.  And there's a good choice your spokesperson may come across as victim blaming and petulantly saying I told ya so rather than being a professional. (Yeah he chose poorly in his staff too. Poor choices and badly written apologies are his real kink maybe.)

So maybe the business doesn't die. Not quickly anyway. But it makes less. It can't take credit cards. It alienates more than invites.

Poor choices at the top make facebook into myspace. 

Oh and a grown man that bullies a child on YouTube didn't "fuck up". You have to be a fundamentally horrible person for that to even occur to you in the first place.  You have to be a worthless shitball to start with. You didn't make a mistake, you are a mistake.  What an asshole.

Anyone shocked by the umpteenth "aw shucks I fucked up" apology needs a swift kick in the ass. Stop being shocked an asshole acts like an asshole. Yeah a guy that fondles a woman without consent is exactly the classless asshat that taunts a child. Duh! When it comes to Baku, you all need to lower your expectations. Then you'll be nicely surprised whenever he goes a whole week without doing anything truly awful. Don't hold your breath.

When texting your Master, double check your auto-spell so you don't suggest he use you like duck meat.

Collar Evolution and Me

In terms of your "average" M/s relationship (as much as the term average can ever apply to intimate relationships) I have been with my Master a very long time.  (9 yearsish)  I have known him even longer than that.

Over the course of that time, we have changed a great deal, not only as individuals but as a pair.  In the beginning, I was reticent to accept changes and new experiences.  It was an extreme change in my life.  When my previous history did have any tinge of power dynamic to it, I was generally the one on top.The biggest challenge I faced was simply relaxing.  There was a great deal of fear that if I were to let go of the reins, I was in danger. It took a long time to realize that when I let go I did not necessarily fall.

This evolution still goes on and on.  At first, it took a rigidity to enslavement for me to function.  Over time, we trimmed the fat. 

The first thing that really had to go was the dogmatic approach we started with.  Over time it became clear that living by a set of "rules" someone else made up was not going to work with us.  Even worse, further participation in certain groups of philosophies was destructive. 

Master started with a foundation which, by the time we were moving forward, had suffered massive deterioration.  He was no longer actively reading or participating in any discussions anymore, but following his lead I was reading what this group had to say and observing its interactions.  The huge gap between where he had started and where it was caused serious confusion on my part.  When he sat down and read a bit of what was being discussed in the present, that was the end of that branch for both of us once and for all. 

From there things were much clearer, much easier, much simpler.  I can't be "a" slave.  I flourish as his slave.  It stopped being about ritual and started being more about emotion.  That is a hard place to go for people who either don't know each other very well or have any room for doubt in their relationship.  And it took us a very long time to get there.  I do not have that emotional connection to a community, a lifestyle or a philosophy.  It causes dissonance.  My life with him is musical when tuned correctly. 

Moving past the what and to the why opened an entire new set of doors and we both discovered my "streak" of submissiveness went far deeper than we ever would have expected.   As did my enthusiasm for compliance.  He can muck about quite effectively in my head and even when I understand very clearly the manipulation in my thinking at play in certain types of training it works remarkably well. 

I am far more relaxed doing things I never would have dreamed of than I was with simple basic tasks when I started off.  Its exciting, thrilling, without being frightening.

typo of the day

Thong to hell isn't the same as going to hell.

It rained spiders in Brazil.

I just had a lattegasm.

Non Murdering Mormon Slut

There is a lot of news coverage about this woman on trial for murder about how she converted and they had sex. (Gasp, clutch the pearls.)  She testified that he fucked her in the ass right after he baptised her. That must be a mormon thing because the same thing happened with me. (Well it wasn't anal. And I didn't stab the gyy 29 times, slash his throat and shoot him in the head.)  He just fucked me in my little white dress. 
Did I mention the month I was the worst Mormon ever?  At least I'm guessing driving to temple with a cigarette in one hand and a Mt. Dew in the other dripping missionary cum qualifies me for the top ten.
It seems baptisms make Mormons frisky.
Which makes me wonder... that whole baptising the dead thing? 

The Beauty of a Bad Day

It wasn't a great day.  Not end of the world awful, just a lot of little annoying things going wrong, one after another. 

Its days like this that make having a wonderful husband the best thing in the world.  Just that hug at the end makes it possible to trudge through the rest of the crapapaloza.

He even loves me in my "today has sucked" fuck ugly nightgown.  Even with my socks still on.

I mean the day to day insatiable cock loving fuck slut, that's easy to love having around.

But when the comfy old nightgown and socks version who just wants to watch Castle on the DVR still gets the love... well, that can't be beat.

Pussy Whipped Male Supremacist

Random clicking can lead to some pretty funny stuff.  Random e-mails even funnier.

Its a bit hard to pull off a persona of male supremacist if you start off announcing that you require discretion so your wife doesn't find out.  What person is going to take your whole list of protocols and demands that follow your announcement that you, who are a male supremacist, are afraid of your wife?
 
But thanks for the "Nice tits" comment anyway.

Lube? Where we're going we don't need lube.

A bit sore this morning.  But it was well worth it.

You know how if you put pressure on your eyes you see a sort of color pattern thing from the pressure?

I came so hard I saw that while looking up at the ceiling, drooling and incapable of speech, that was what I was seeing.

Did I mention Master is unbelievably good in bed?

If You...

...Are an adult and you're not in the military, don't walk around in head to toe camouflage. You don't look tough, you look like an idiot.

...Don't want your car scratched, don't park in two spots. Its like a "fuck my car up" magnet.

...Can't spell, don't understand grammar and generally write like a first grader in your own native language, chances are what you say isn't worth reading anyway.  Its not just a "grammar nazi" thing. People too intellectually lazy to learn to communicate coherently don't stop there on the intellectually lazy thing.

...Don't watch football you get a nicely quiet Sunday.

...Are going to FLARF say hi

Fist Fuck Fun

Oh my God the things that man does to me.
And yesterday took it to the wrist three times. 
I'm a happy little puppet.

Yum

So far this weekend we have broken out the pizza stone and the pasta machine.  If you've never tried either, do yourself a favor and do so.

SERIOUSLY??????

More "developments" about a football players fake online girlfriend?
Fuck you, media, you suck.
And they call me whore.

Natural Order

Very often I see "natural order" cited with no regard for both physical and more importantly social evolution. 
Humans are pack animals. We form social groups to survive. 
So one can not claim to both follow the "natural order" and wholly disregard social pressures as irrelevant.
They aren't.
This is the 21st century. Social evolution is no less natural than any other.  Those that are unable to adapt to social evolution are at a disadvantage within the world we actually live in. Waxing sentimental for an imagined version of the social mores of a time that has passed or a world that has never existed in the first place doesn't change the world we actually inhabit. It just renders you inferior for the time and place you inhabit.
Unevolved is not a compliment.

seriously?

Did I just hear a major news network cover a football players fake online girlfriend all day?
Headdesk

Stop Whining About the Second Amendment

Dear Anti Gun People:
The Constitution is clear. The right to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed. Stop whining, we aren't going to ban guns in the U.S. We are the United States not the U.K. 
Dear Pro Gun People:
The same Amendment also says "well regulated". Stop whining whenever the subject of regulating guns comes up. Your right can be regulated.  Red Dawn isn't a documentary.
I never thought I'd miss Lindsey Lohan news, but this subject sure being out the whiners and nutjobs.

I Suck and my Husband Is Dripping with Pussy

Perverts - its not what you think.

I seem unable to keep up with my blog.  I suck.  I lose the internet.

I don't even post pictures of my cats.  Well, my husband's cats.  There is the one he had when we got together.  He is that cat's favorite person in the universe.  Mommy is tolerated as a dim second.

And the little stray kitten that comes running over to my husband the second he walks out the door.  He has tried not to encourage her, it makes our cat all jealous.  But she is at his side whenever possible, twirling through his legs and purring.

Its wrong of me to laugh, right?

Jarring

Must remember... you're not normal. Stop scaring the straights.
See I wrote that down. Now I'll remember.

Good Days and Bad Days

Any chronic pain condition is going to have bad days. I'm having a few in a row.  When it gets bad in the neck I have to concentrate to see, which sucks. 
I love the age we live in because I can talk to text on days like this. I can automate a few things.  My grandfather was an athlete and crippled with this by 50. My future is brighter than it would be without doctors and trainers and medicines he couldn't dream of.  My choices are more than drugged unconscious or agony. I'm still moving. 
I will not be stopped. I have the choice. And I am grateful thorough the pain because tomorrow might be different.
For many, its not.

No Surrender

The new season of one of my favorite shows started last night.   I love the Biggest Loser.  I can relate.  I was, at one point, big enough to easily qualify for the show. 

Normally this is where I should say I have struggled with my weight my whole life.  That isn't strictly true.  I was lazy when I was young and my laziness fucked up my body and NOW I am struggling with fixing that.  My early life lackadaisical attitude toward fitness has made it much more difficult to tackle now, but not impossible.  Harder is not an excuse to just give up. 

The weight I carried when I was younger has thrown off my hormones now.  Its also caused my arthritis to proceed at the speed of light.  So I don't have a great deal of sympathy for the series of "my hormones" and "my physical limitations" as excuses for obesity.  Been there, done that, there are things anyone can do to help themselves. 

It just takes the strength and discipline to actually get off your ass and do them.

Awesome... but which one?

Bad Dragon

I want one of everything.  Bring on the tentacle sex baby!

Least Successful New Year Resolution

I don't usually do Resolutions.  If there is some shit in my life I need to change, I change it then rather than waiting for an arbitrary calendar point.

I do, however, tend to remember I actually have a blog around this time of year. 

I tend to forget it approximately 4 days later.  But hey, this could be the magic year where I don't flake.  I start taking pictures of things.  I stop forgetting to blog. Could be.

Ok it probably isn't.

So lets talk about sex.

I find that less and less often these days I'm very picky about what kind of sex we have. Oral, anal, vaginal, its all good.  This may be because, lucky me, I'm pretty much gonna cum no matter what.

Foreplay.  By the time we get to that point, I am so worked up that a butterfly landing in the rainforest is going to do the trick.  My husband is a spectacular lover, and I am a very VERY lucky woman.

You Got Hit By The Karma Stick

I often tell my best friend that it seems that the Gods really want to change my mind about being an atheist.  Because fate/karma/whatnot does a number on those that seek to harm me.  It seems unfair in light of how rarely I'm harmed.  
Lets just say there is a high percentage of junkiedom, life failure and death amoungst my detractors. And no, it's nothing I do directly. I'm just a good shield for that 3 fold rule. If it was something I could aim I'd pick more worthy targets than the hodge podge of idiots, losers and assholes flailing sadly in the wake of my pique.
But sometimes well sometimes its just funny. For a very long time, I had my own personal boggieman. An abusive ex who stalked my for years. I had nightmares about him. Until I saw him recently.
To be honest I couldn't have been anywhere safer than next to my husband. But that wasn't even why. He was a sad broken grey bald old man hunched over an old pink Nintendo. He was about as threatening as your average fern. And slightly less decorative.
Wow amazing what being a physically and mentally abusive pathological liar can do to someone's karma. Yikes.
But i am so very very not afraid anymore. In not even terribly amused,  it was THAT pathetic. I'm not really happy he's broken. I don't care enough. I am, however relieved to set aside the burden of that fear.
Zombies? Fear defeated.  Ex boggieman?  Fear defeated.

Taking Faking It Too Far

This is not about attacking bi sexual or poly people.  My best friend for over 20 years is both.  Bi and poly I get.
I don't get people pretending to be one or the other to attract a partner. It makes no sense to dangle bait you are going to have to live with. Great, you faked being bi and poly. Now you get to keep faking it and fake being happy.  Worth it?
Because I have never heard anyone rave about what a great idea it is to lie about a core personality aspect to get into a relationship. It sounds pretty awful to me and I just don't get it.
And the total relationship fail always seems to come as a big old shock. Well DUH! Maybe next time be honest. Be ok with who you really are so you don't think you have to false it to be "enough" and you will be for someone who is looking for who you really are. Most people have some redeeming value. Not all people do. If you don't have any other redeeming value, pretending to be bi and poly isn't enough long term to cover that.

Musical

I went to see Les Miserables today.  It was pretty well done.  The casting of Javert and Cosette were a bit weak and the Thenardiers was just schlocky, but otherwise it was a pretty solid cast.  Considering editing is possible in film where it is not on stage, there is absolutely no excuse for Russell Crowe being flat in Javert's suicide.  I did find it a bit odd that they excluded Dog Eats Dog and Beggars At The Feast.  If I recall from that horrible Sweeny Todd abortion a few years ago, it was probably best not to let Madame Thenardia squawk her way into destroying yet another flick.

Loved that they included Colm Wilkinson (THE Jean Valjean) as the priest in this film.   Its funny, I didn't recognize his face at first but the second he opened his mouth I know exactly why he seemed so familiar.  Eponine and Gavroche were perfect.   As always, the final song made me cry. 

It has a nice beat and your can dance to it... I give it a 9.